Sirened

Times are tough and as Congress works to bailout America’s crumbling economy, Sirened proposes bi-partisan economic change you can believe in.

1)Consider downsizing your home to something more affordable. Like this fixer upper, one bedroom, no bath shown in this picture (toilet and wash basin located at adjacent McDonald’s not pictured).

2)Consider re-financing your home directly with Bank of Putin. The Russian ruble has strengthened against the dollar and Bank of Putin has an excellent reputation of collecting on their loans. Default is punishable by execution.

3)Get rid of “earmarks” like public school buses. Kids are getting fat and lazy anyways. Make them walk the 2 miles.

4)Eliminate hunting licenses. There’s a lot of good deer out there that don’t get shot. Sure a few people may get killed by the experienced shooters, but hey it’s hunting, people get shot in the face sometimes. Ask Dick Cheney’s friend, he’s cool.

5)Start a failed bank and get bailed out.

6)Move to the Ivory Coast in Africa and pan for diamonds. With US dollars you can get a nice place for peanuts until you start finding yourself some shiny precious. Just make sure not to lose your diamonds via your hands being chopped off.

7)Let’s listen to John McCain and temporarily freeze government spending on all things non-war related, like that pesky police department budget. The police has an annoying little habit of getting in the way of a re-distribution of wealth.

8)A $500 tax cut for pet owners. Pets are expensive these days and if poofy gets sick you could be looking at thousands in vet bills. Don’t have a pet? Take the neighbor’s.

9)Hold a nationwide “Car for Food and Random Crap Day.” On this day consumers can show up at their local Wal-Mart and trade in their car for 500 Wal-Mart bucks to stimulate China’s economy. That way China’s banks can afford to lend us more money.

10)Invade Venezuela and take their oil. We’ve already lost our reputation in the world so screw it, let’s just go all in here. Time to stop toying with the notion of toppling their regime and just acting upon it. It’s time to end our dependence on foreign oil and make Venezuela the 51st state.

photo credit: flickr creative commons

Comments Off